i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
