just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
