Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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