just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
