I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My cat gives me a boner
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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