WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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