i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize