He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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