Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
