You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
