Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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