she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
