I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
