I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
