Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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