I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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