I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
