im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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