he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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