textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
