that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
