i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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