Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
