I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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