Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
