I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
