remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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