Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
