I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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