I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
