I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
