I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
