Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
