i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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