Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think my moral compass just broke
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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