just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Boobs speak an international language.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
