Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
