My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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