I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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