HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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