The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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