We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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