i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize