it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My ass is underappreciated
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
