The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
