Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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