I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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