I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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