that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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