Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
