there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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