Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
