ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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