Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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