i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
